Something I have struggled with in my "real" life is being my authentic self. This has plagued me since about 6th grade and I think it is a combination of growing up in a small town and going to a private school. Middle school was hell for me. I was taller than most of my classmates, had weird teeth, pale skin, and frizzy hair. If this wasn't bad enough it didn't help matters that I had a very strange sense of style (that my mom let me embrace) and I joined the band and picked the trombone of all instruments!
I never quite fit in (even though I had lots of friends - none of us really fit in) and I was never really comfortable in my own skin. Fast forward to college - the first night there, this guy came up to me and told me I was pretty. In that moment, I realized that I was not prejudged. This was a clean slate for the first time in 12 years. I could be who I wanted to be. It's really too bad that I didn't just become myself at that moment. I decided to become what I always thought I wanted to be. I became the fun girl, the party girl.
I thought being the party girl was fun. I was that girl most of my college life - though I did settle down more and more with each year. I DID have to graduate after all. I can look back at college life and really get a good laugh at it. I made some great friends and we had some great times. But, I can look back and also see that I was not my authentic self all those years. I was still trying to be the person I thought people wanted me to be. I was the funny one, the life of the party and I didn't know how to stop being that person.
I was even still a bit of a wild one when I met Aubrey. Gradually though, the more I got to know him and the more he got to know me, the real me emerged. Now, I am not going to say that it happened over night. At first we would attend lots of artsy things in our town, discuss Beowulf, spend days having picnics, try to take artistic photographs, plan parties, embrace everyone... Not that there is anything wrong with that but that still wasn't completely us.
All of this brings me to the point I am now. At 38, I am more authentic than I have ever been. BUT, I find myself being more authentic on my blog than I am in my real life. I still have this fear of being the "real me" to some people. I guess I have that fear of being judged all over again. I do still live in the same town I grew up in.
So now that I have told you all of that, I am going to come clean. I am going to be truthful and not try to fall into this "blog clique" that I have noticed. Have y'all noticed it? I think I have probably already told all of you these things but here they are again:
1. I hate Nutella. Hate it.
2. I am tired of the word lovely.
3. I love watching reality TV.
4. My car is so messy, I am embarrassed to drive up next to someone in a taller vehicle.
5. I am addicted to sugar.
6. I like being alone with a book.
7. I still have a strange sense of style and I'm glad I embrace it.
8. I find myself being mean-spirited way more than I like to admit.
9. I have gained back 9 of the 15 pounds I lost.
10. I am a bit lazy.
11. I bite my fingernails.
12. I love making money.
13. I'm not materialistic.
14. I want a pair of Toms but I am too cheap to buy them.
15. I hate cartoons.
16. I eat kid cereal most mornings.
17. I know nothing about politics.
18. I am thinking about getting a French CD and learning to speak French while I commute to
work.
19. I tried recycling but when I drove all over town with 3 garbage bags full of plastic bottles and
couldn't figure out where to take them, I just threw them in my garbage. I actually feel
relieved that I don't have to save them anymore.
20.The Honey Badger video makes me laugh.
17 comments:
we have about 75% of that list in common, if not more. I was too lazy to do the math!
OMG, we must be twins - born in very different years, in different parts of the country and to different families - but twins, nonetheless! I've always identified with your lifestyle but I could have written most of that list, too! OK, in reality, I'd have to claim sisterhood. I'm waaay to old to be your twin!!
I love the honesty of this post. Being authentic in all areas of our lives is so hard.
Have a good week!
PS I hope you don't mind if I link this to my sight. I think I might "steal" the theme. =)
when Stina and I met you last August, I felt like I had known you and Aubrey all of our lives. To me, you were just like your blog posts and me and Stina felt completely at ease with you because of the fact that your posts really do show your personality. Seriously, everyone in our family loved you guys and we wished you lived closer so we could see you more often. We also have a lot in common only I was in my late 40s before I started to become my authentic self. Maybe one day I will post about it, but let's just say that my 20s and 30s were times of trying to be an image that I truly was not with almost no creative juices flowing at all, but major "administrative" emphasis in my life that left me tired and grumpy every night. I am so glad I got to meet you and to know you, you and Aubrey are real gems!
Look at you. I would have never guessed those things about you ( from your younger years ). Was this a hard post to write? You always make me smile. Thanks for being an inspiration to me.
Sorry I have been absent on the blog front. This move has been hard on me. I try to stay positive, but sometimes it's hard. I am such a homebody (meaning my parents home). I've been married 17 years, but never this far away from them. 19.5 hours away by car. Ouch. I'll have to write my feelings about that on my blog...an honesty post, like you. Love you! Thanks!!!
I agree with my mom! :)
I can relate to you in many of the things on the list. I realized that I am too lazy to go around commenting on blogs except for the blogs I really do read all the time, which is a small amount. I am not doing a good job of being in the blog world these days.
Your blog has always seemed consistently authentic to me, for what it's worth. My ah-ha college moment was that the labels we put on ourselves are the hardest ones to shrug off. Thanks for writing. - Christy
You are getting some great comments on this post! I have discovered that people believe what we tell them. So it sounds like your message right about now is- "This is me and I'm great just the way I am." That's a great message and a great compliment to people around your that you are willing to expose your real self to them:)
Thanks so much for all the comments, guys!!
Joan - I would love to read about your authentic self!!
Darlene - You and Stina were also in real life just like you are on your blogs! What a joy to get to meet you in "real" life and I can't wait to see you again- because you KNOW we are coming back in August!!
Jen- Stay strong. I know this move has to be really hard on your whole family. But, I know you are strong and have a unwavering FAITH that will get you through!! No, this post wasn't hard for me to write at all. I just sat down and wrote it for myself. I really didn't think anyone would read it since I posted on a Saturday night. Just to clarify - by "party girl" I was more the life of the party but never into drugs or anything. I have never even smoked a cigarette :)
Christy - GREAT statement and SO true!!
UGS- Yep, this is me!!
Thanks guys- for a post that I really thought nobody would read, the feedback is amazing to me.
Nice. Authenticity in all things is so important, and I know what you mean about being more 'real' on your blog ... I get that.
I find that I gravitate more and more towards blogs which share the voice of the person behind the words or images.
PS. I'm a bit lazy too. ;)
I stopped reading at " i hate nutella"
Brain. does. not. understand.
Me and my husband get the double jars from costco, and have to put our names on them...cause there will be blood if he touches mine. :)
You are so awesome! I know what you mean though about struggling to be yourself. I struggle with that too! I do love nutella, and I probably do say lovely, but I can so relate to 90% of your list! We may not be part of the clique, but we have each other! ;)
Nell -- HA!! So funny! Hating Nutella is what inspired this whole post!! I was pinning things on Pinterest and there were all these Nutella recipes and I thought to myself - "I hate Nutella and I am going to tell the world!"
LMAO! Like many others, I can so relate this list.
Yep, I know the blog clique and the word lovely is very overused-especially within that blog clique! They do, however, put out some rockin' tutorials-if we are speaking of same said blog clique. :)
I've never had Nutella! I bet your car has nothin' on mine sister. Totally get the book thing. I admit it, I'm a bitch, and driving brings out the total worst in me. My weight is a constant struggle. Politics is such a snooze fest. I do recycle-I feel bad not doing so! But only because we just throw ours out on the curb and the city picks it up. If I had to make any more actual effort that would probably go by the wayside because I too, am lazy and bite not my actual nails but around them. And finally, Honey Badger is hysterical. Why is it running through my brain right now....'Cuz Honey Badger don't care! :)
I love this post! I've never actually had nutella...weird? I'm with you on almost everything...except that i like cartoons sometimes, i don't know what 'Tom's' are, and i still recycle. every thing else is right on...I bought a french cd last year, and i listen to it sometimes, but i still can't speak french.
i think 38 is a great age, i felt the same way back then. of course you know i am quickly approaching 43 so i am like WAY more mature and grown up than you! haha!
PS: i hate dogs
<3
I've always called myself a "fringe-fringer", on the fringe of the fringe, not in the I like popular stuff bubble or in the alternative bubble but I can be found where that venn diagram intersects and sometimes completely outside all of it.
Explains why I like you so much :)
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